Author: Meltha
Rating: PG-13
Feedback: Yes, thank you. Meltha
Spoilers: Through the end of Angel: The Series
Distribution: Fanfiction.net and the Bunny Warren. If you're interested, please let me know.
Summary: Spike answers a set of questions for the new Watchers Council.
Disclaimer: All characters are owned by Mutant Enemy (Joss Whedon), a wonderfully creative company whose characters I have borrowed for a completely profit-free flight of fancy. Kindly do not sue me, please, as I am terrified of you. Thank you.
Author's Note: Written in response to nemo-gravis's challenge to answer this meme from the perspective of a BtVS or AtS character. The emails are, obviously, fakes.

70 Questions for Spike

To: Watcher007@rwc.org
From: angelisapoof@gmail.com
Subject: Re: The daft questionnaire someone sent me.

Right, so, normally I wouldn’t bother, but I’m bored. Guess that makes it your lucky day, Rupert. Sit back and enjoy the revelations. Some of ‘em might even be true, but I’m not telling which ones.

1. DO YOU SNORE?

So I’m told. Angelus used to give me hell about back in the day. “What proper vampire breathes at all, let alone in his sleep?” ‘cept, of course, he said it in that ridiculous Lucky Charms accent of his. And by the by, he snored like a trucker drunk on cheap booze.

2. ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?

Check your records, mate. Usually both at once.

3. WHAT IS YOUR WORST FEAR?

Bears. They stink like sod all, and to top it off, there are just too damn bloody many teeth in their mouths. Saw one rip the head off a bloke in Colorado in 1922. Dru and me had a laugh over that for about two seconds until the thing started barreling our way. Wound up at the top of a pine tree for the rest of the night.

4. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?

I predate that by about a century, you twit. I will admit they’re amusing for a few minutes, and you wouldn’t believe some of the places they fit if you get creative.

5 - WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ‘REALITY TV’?

I’d rather be staked than watch the stuff. Makes my brain matter come out of my ears in little puddles. I will, however, say I liked Jerry Springer back in the day. Now there was quality entertainment.

6 - DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?

Yeah. Bit of an oral fixation.

7 - WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?

I hate you, Rupert.

8 - IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?

Better bloody well be. More than a mite sick of getting my heart tore open.

9 - WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?

Black, baby.

10 - DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?

Sing, no. Dance a bit when it’s called for.

11 - HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?

Once. It was off the Golden Gate Bridge. Highly illegal, that. Best add that to my list of misdemeanors there. Anyways, I don’t think it would really count as the stupid cord snapped when I was partway down, so it wound up being more of a dive than a bungee. Might of killed me if I weren’t already dead. Huh. Guess that makes it more a suicide attempt than an illegal act of bungee. Still illegal, though.

12 - ANY SECRET TALENTS?

Few things I wouldn’t tell the likes of you. And regardless of what Dru might have said, I do NOT polka. There were never any lederhosen. None. Got me?

13 - WHAT’S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?

Chicago in the 20s was a right fun spot of mayhem, but that’s not me at the mo’. Vegas is always good for a few days’ worth of debauchery. Still, in the mood for a bit of peace about now. Maybe I’ll head back to the mother country. Wouldn’t you just love to see me again, Rupert?

14 - IS JAY LENO FUNNY?

He’s no Jack Parr, but he beats the pants off that Irish git that looks like Howdy Doody. No, not Angel. The other git.

15 - CAN YOU SWIM?

Being chucked out of a Nazi sub several miles off the coast of Greenland was a great motivator in that department.

16 - HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE “DONNIE DARKO”?

Nah. All that talk about Armageddon seems a mite to much like real life for my taste. Last movie I saw that I liked was that Serenity flick. That Inara was one nice bit of pastry, but it was that Zoe bird who made me sit up and take notice. Warrior women. Gotta love ‘em.

17 - DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?

Not for myself, no. There are a few people who I would like to see still able to breathe, though, so yes.

18 - HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE ROLL POP?

I always hated Tootsie Rolls. Fake chocolate. What’s the good of that? They did make nice little projectiles when I used to drop them off the catwalk at the Bronze, though, and for some reason the chip didn’t go off. Guess the Initiative didn’t recognize Tootsie Roll Pops as a weapon of mass destruction or summat.

19 - CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?

After over a hundred years with Dru, that’s the way I normally sing it.

20 - HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?

Yeah, once. Not a happy memory there. Move along.

21 - ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?

I suppose technically when Darla got herself re-sired, she was sort of my sister. And also my great-grandmum. Which would make me my own uncle. Or grandfather. Or something. Sod it all, this is going to annoy me now until I’ve worked it out.

22 - DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?

Now there a deep, penetrating question. Electric. The noise is fun.

23 - WHAT’S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?

I’m still on the wagon. I only hunt the bad guys now. Still a hell of a lot of fun, though.

24 - IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?

I… God, I need a drink.

25 - DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

S’alright. Mite loopy in places, but gives it some flare.

26 - WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?

If you really need me to run down the list of Things a Vampire Is Allergic To, you need a refresher course. Add women with emotional attachment problems to the list and that’s me.

27 - WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, “I LOVE YOU”?

Buffy. Moving on.

28 - IS ELVIS STILL ALIVE?

That was Dru, not me! Personally, I thought the whole pelvis thing was rather too over the top.

29 - DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?

I don’t do weddings… well, not anymore.

30 - HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?

Scrambled, jalapenos, bit of chili sauce.

31 - ARE BLONDES DUMB?

No. Unless they are named Harmony. Then yes more times than I can count, thank God.

32 - WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?

I don’t wear socks, so I couldn’t sodding care less.

33 - WHAT TIME IS IT?

‘bout time to watched Stacked. I do so love the plotlines in that show. Deep, full of themes, full of… who’m I kidding? You’ve seen ‘em. Should be the Eighth and Ninth Wonders of the World and declared National Treasures.

34 - DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?

This may come as a shock, but my mother didn’t actually name me Spike, Rupe.

35 - IS MCDONALDS DISGUSTING?

I enjoy Happy Meals. Take that any way you please.

36 - WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR, AND WHO WERE YOU WITH?

That’d be just after Angel slew that dragon. Me, Captain Poofy Hair, Big Blue, and Gunn, what was left of the poor fella, hopped in a Mustang Angel lifted from Wolfram & Hart, and drove like a bat out of hell until we hit Mexico. I never did get my turn at the wheel. All four tires blew at once in the middle of the Baja penninsula, and of course Batman didn’t have so much as a dollar bill on him, Blue kept muttering on about not killin’ enough things, Gunn managed to still give us all a look that said we were a bunch of idiots, and I had all of ten bucks and a squashed Three Musketeers in my duster’s pockets. Long story short, we patched up Charlie, washed dishes for three weeks at a dive in Tiajuana, got cab fare to Dallas, and the rest is history. Or possibly the sequel to Debbie Does Dallas. I do enjoy the classics.

37 - DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?

Shower. Baths are for birds.

38 - IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?

Yeah. Isn’t any Clement Moore creation though. You see him comin’ down your chimney, you’d best hide under the bed and pray hard. Or offer him cookies. That bit is true. That demon has a sweet tooth like you wouldn’t believe. He didn’t get that physique by eating Grape Nuts.

39 - DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?

Yeah. What of it?

40 - ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?

No. Be blamed silly that, wouldn’t it?

41 - WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?

I am looped in the loops of her hair. Moving on.

42 - CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?

Crunchy for eating, creamy for other things. Moving on.

43 - CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?

Yeah. Usually do before a brawl. Helps to loosen up, get ready to party.

44 - HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?

Back in the 70s in New York, I hijacked one once and went on a joyride around Brooklyn. I’d had a mite too much Jack, though, and wound up smacking it into the side of a deli. Made it a drive through, so to speak. Good pastrami, though.

45 - HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?

Twice. I hate blood breath.

46 - IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?

After that stupidity at Woodstock, bloody hell yeah. I don’t fancy spending the rest of my unlife staring at cracks on the wall and finding the meaning of the universe in my naval lint.

47 - ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?

Not really. I fake sleeping pretty well, though.

48 - WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?

I think they’re blue. It’s been a while.

50 - DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?

I… oh, what the hell, not like I can see you laughing. No. It’s lonely having forever with no one to spend it with.

51 - DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS OR PIERCING?

Tats, no. I used to have a few piercings back in the day, including one through my eyebrow. Then one day the stupid thing got wrenched out in a fight with a Groshkl, and let me tell you, that cured me of wanting a piercing ever again.

52 - ARE YOU PSYCHIC?

No. And I’m right glad of it.

53 - HAVE YOU READ ‘CATCHER IN THE RYE’?

Yeah. I used to read it aloud to Dru. Salinger’s okay, but I like others better. Now Dickens, there was a man who could write about misery and make you love it.

54 - DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?

I tried guitar once upon a time. Didn’t have the patience for it.

55 - HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?

Oh, please! No, Rupert, I’ve never stolen money. I’m also the Pope and enjoy sunbathing and doing the luau naked with Ricky Martin.

56 - CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?

You know, I did try that once. It was fun for a bit, but after a while I got bored. Not sure I see the point to a sport where you don’t slug someone in the eye with your elbow on occasion.

57 - DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?

Sleeping out in the elements isn’t exactly on the top of my list of things to do, mainly because of sunlight being an issue, but I’ve slept in a cave or a particularly dense crop of trees on occasion. I’ve had worse.

58 - DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?

Only if Angel does something particularly daft. Which is often.

59 - DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?

No, Rupert. After being used in a spell to open a Hellmouth, seeing the results of Willow whipping the skin off a bloke with her brain, living with Dru for a century, becoming a vampire, performing a bloody curative spell for Dru using her sire’s blood, incinerating myself with jewelry from the Joan Rivers collection and fighting more demons than hell itself holds, I have seen no proof that anything supernatural exists. I’m also a virgin.

60 - ARE DOGS A MAN’S BEST FRIEND?

I actually think so. I like dogs. They don’t mind if you wander in at the end of the day covered in demon pus as long as you give ‘em a burger on occasion. Course, mind you, that’s a real dog, not one of those pedigree, I’m-better-than-you poodle type things. Those things are annoying as hell. Yap yap yap, reminds me of Darla.

61 - YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?

I think… I think you should try to make things work. Walking away isn’t always the right choice.

62 - CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?

Yeah. It kept Dru amused around 1984. If something amused her, trust me, I used it to my advantage. Poor bird had the attention span of a gnat and there was all manner of hell to pay if she got too bored. One night she attacked the parade floats for the Thanksgiving Day Parade in New York. Used a flame thrower to explode a helium balloon of Big Bird. She said he was “the evil bluebird of happiness and must be punished for not knowing his letters.” I tried to tell her he was yellow, but she gave me The Look. You know the one, the one all women do that essentially means “Agree with me or you are never getting laid again”? Wait, where did this all start off? Right, Wacko Jacko’s Dance of Doom. Yeah, I can moonwalk.

63 - DO YOU MAKE MANY MISTAKES?

Too many to count, Rupe, and the number just goes up when I actually try to do something right.

64 - IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?

At the moment I’m in Nova Scotia. It’s bloody freezing.

65 - WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

A pint of O+ and a White Castle crave case.

66 - DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?

I used to, but I haven’t for a while. That was really all Dru’s doing. She painted ‘em one night when I was sleeping. She’d been prattling on forever about how nice they’d look if I’d only let her at them, and I have to admit, she was right. I gave it up over the years, though. Just too much bother waiting for ‘em to dry, and smudged nails look stupid.

67 - HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KISSED?

No, actually. I’ve kissed plenty, but been kissed, not really.

68 - WHAT’S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?

Florida Natural Orange juice, with the bleeding cartons growing on the trees connected to the dairy case. I don’t know why it irks me so badly, but it does. Stupid happy citrus growing people who never keep the juice case stocked and play rugby with the damn cartons to deliver them.

69 - DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?

No. I did the Gap once, then burned everything I stole. Black is my look, and it’s where I’ll stay.

70 - FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?

Good Charlotte isn’t bad, and Green Day is okay, but I’m revisiting my Kinks records with a side order of the Pogues and the New York Dolls, little bit of Hendrix now and again. Nothing like the classics, mate.