Author: Meltha
Rating: R, for the creepiness factor
Feedback: Yes, thank you. Meltha
Spoilers: Through the end of Angel: The Series
Distribution: Fanfiction.net and the Bunny Warren. If you're interested, please let me know.
Summary: Angelus answers a few questions for the Watchers Council.
Disclaimer: All characters are owned by Mutant Enemy (Joss Whedon), a wonderfully creative company whose characters I have borrowed for a completely profit-free flight of fancy. Kindly do not sue me, please, as I am terrified of you. Thank you.
Author's Note: Written in response to Nemo_gravis's challenge to answer this meme as a BtVS or Ats character. Obviously, the email addresses are fakes.

70 Questions for Angelus

To: Watcher007@rwc.org
From: innocentface@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Watchers Council Questions

Well, gosh, Rupert. You managed to get the souled moron to take a little siesta for ten minutes or so just so I could answer your little questionaire. I’m deeply touched that you thought of me. Very deeply. After all, we have so many fond memories together. I think you’re going to enjoy reading these. Or maybe not. But I know I will. Let’s begin, shall we, hmm?

1. DO YOU SNORE?

No. Spike tried to tell me once that I did. I hung him by his suspenders from a flagpole at the front of our townhouse in Vienna, and the only reason he didn’t see daylight was Dru whining. Damn, I wish I hadn’t given in on that one.

2. ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?

You can ask any of the thousands of girls I’ve… loved. My attentions to them are always very considerate, all-encompassing, highly personalized. As for fighting, I can still kick Spike’s ass every which way from Sunday and back again. The soul, that’s a wuss. If I’d been in control with that Mountain Dew fiasco, I can tell you, I would have been the one with the caffeine rush.

3. WHAT IS YOUR WORST FEAR?

Oh, you mean when I wake in the dead of night, terrified and shivering, poor wittle me. I don’t fear things, Rupert. They fear me if they’ve got half a brain. And since Angel’s happy little shanshu has gone the way of the dodo, all I have to do is sit back and wait. I’ve got plenty of time, and it’s just going to take one little bit of bliss for me to be back permanently. I’ll have to drop by and see you then, won’t I? Unfinished business.

4. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?

The hell? You sent me a form questionaire? No, Rupert, I was not a lego maniac, and despite what you may think, I’m not a maniac at all. Geez, all I do is going on a killing spree for a century or so and people start to look at you funny… well, until you pull their eyeballs out of their sockets. By the way, what color are your eyes again? Green, aren’t they?

5 - WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ‘REALITY TV’?

I watched too much of it in hell already.

6 - DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?

There are only two things I drink: blood and booze, preferably a decent pint of Guiness. Neither one goes well with a straw. Of course, that could be interesting, though. I wonder what the logistics would be for killing someone through a straw. Good jab to the carotid might just do it. Thanks, Rupert. You’ve given me a great piece of inspiration for a kill some day, and the victim owes it all to you. Be proud.

7 - WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?

They didn’t have photographs back then but judging by the way the lasses came running a few years later, I’d say I was above average. I’ve never really understood the appeal of babies, myself. Ugly, pudgy, bawling, smelly, red-faced things. They just don’t fill me up, either. Always room for one more.

8 - IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?

I’m never alone for long unless I want to be. What with Spike going all Prince Valiant, Dru drifting off to the other side of the world and Darla in lots of tiny pieces, I could start looking for a new playmate, I suppose. Maybe that little redhead Buffy used to pal around with. I remember seeing her in leather. Soulboy nearly drooled all over himself. You think he’s repressing much?

9 - WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?

Black. What’s yours? Oh wait… that’s right. It’s silver, isn’t it? How do I know? Wouldn’t you just love to find out. Maybe I’m watching you… maybe just a lucky guess...

Silver. With a little streak of dried coffee on the upper left corner.

10 - DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?

On occasion I sing a few arias from some of the better Wagner operas.

11 - HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?

No, that’s after my time. However, now that I think about it, I did shove a few people off a cliff in my time, but there wasn’t any cord attached. Do I get partial credit, Gramps?

12 - ANY SECRET TALENTS?

You already have files on this in the Watchers Council, I know, but yes, I am fluent in several demon languages, Gaelic, Romanian, and Chinese. I’m an expert marksman. I’m an exceptionally good judge of fine wines. I can also make people beg for death with relative ease.

13 - WHAT’S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?

If I’d been in control in Vegas, we would have had a hell of a lot more fun back in the 50s. There probably wouldn’t be much left of the place today, but it still would have been fun.

14 - IS JAY LENO FUNNY?

No. But you know who is? You, Rupert, thinking you still have a purpose in life. What, does Buffy keep you around for old times’ sake? Didn’t I hear that you ran out on her a few years ago after her mother died and the Slayer wound up flipping burgers for a living and shacking up with Spike? Gosh, do you think it’s possible you abandoned your post and screwed things up again? Think that might be why the First came back and Sunnydale, your responsibility, is now a giant pothole? What’s it feel like to be truly useless, Rupe? Useless and utterly alone… what a perfectly miserable combination. But enough about you.

15 - CAN YOU SWIM?

Yes, I can swim. I lived in a fishing village as a human. When I was a kid, I used to sneak down at night when I knew the girls were bathing, crouch down in the high reeds and watch. Some things never change.

16 - HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE “DONNIE DARKO”?

I’ve been locked inside this self-flagellating idiot for years except for the occasional slip, and he doesn’t go to the movies all that often, and he never listens to my suggestions when he does. So no, I haven’t seen Donnie Darko. I have, however, been forced to view Finding Nemo several dozen times because he finds it heartwarming. I hate that damn crippled clownfish.

17 - DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?

No.

18 - HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE ROLL POP?

You are incredibly stupid, Rupert. If this is an attempt at being funny, I’d suggest reviewing your Monty Python tapes again. I don’t eat candy. You know what I eat. You know how sweet those little Slayers you created a few years ago are going to taste when I finally get to meet them. Think they’ll eat a few Tootsie Pops for me first, get themselves extra succulent for old Angelus?

19 - CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?

No. You and I both know, Rupe, it’s never a good idea to say things backwards. It tends to lead to all sorts of unpleasantness. Half the spells out there work that way.

20 - HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?

A few times. I like it. Makes getting from place to place a faster, and the food is great. Got to love stewardesses. Oh, pardon me. Flight attendants. I wouldn’t want anyone to accuse me of being sexist.

21 - ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?

I wasn’t. Dear, sweet Kathy. God, was she ever dense.

22 - DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?

Manual. I’m an old-fashioned boy at heart.

23 - WHAT’S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?

It’s one of the joys of life. Everything is a hunt, Rupert, you know that. Getting a girl to sleep with you, getting the job you want, slapping little old ladies out of the way at the Christmas sales… all of it has a savor of the hunt about it. Pale shadows, but the same thing. We all need the pump, Rupert, adrenaline rushing through the system like the best drug ever invented, making you drunk on it. You remember what that felt like, don’t you? Eyghon’s still in here, by the way. He says hello. He’ll stop in to see you again one day.

24 - IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?

Only when my one twu wuv comes along and makes a better man of me, just like in the fairytales. And then I’ll splatter her limbs around the reception hall. I’ll do it compassionately and artistically, of course, since she made a better man of me.

25 - DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

Perfection.

26 - WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?

Aside from the usual for a vampire, I don’t like wool. It makes me itchy.

27 - WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, “I LOVE YOU”?

Oh, I used to say that quite regularly. Amazing how fast you can get a girl to drop ‘em if you use the big puppy dog eyes and the “I love you” line. Why, I do believe that worked on Buffy once upon a time. Oh, sure, the soul meant it and all that, but still, it really wasn’t all that difficult to get her on her back when you get down to it. Don’t they teach them any morals anymore? What’s the world coming to?

28 - IS ELVIS STILL ALIVE?

From what I understand, Dru did that back in the 70s. Elvis was interesting enough guy, you understand. I mean, hey, one of the few things Angelboy did right was hang around the King, you know? Him and Sinatra, though I wouldn’t want to have seen old Blue Eyes turned. Now there was a guy who could have broken you in two even if he was a human, and if he couldn’t he knew a guy. Would have been way too powerful. Elvis, though, he’s hanging out somewhere in Australia now, I think.

29 - DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?

Yes. I cry so hard at weddings that my sweet little just heart breaks in two. I love weddings; not as much as I love convents, but weddings are a close second. It’s so easy to bolt the door when everybody’s already drunk.

30 - HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?

I don’t eat human food. I’m not Spike, the sappy do-gooder who ruined my plans for Acathla and a perfect vampire paradise because he liked dog racing and humanity. The only thing I care about when it comes to people is how loud they can scream. I remember you hit some truly impressive notes, Rupert. I’d love to hear an encore sometime.

31 - ARE BLONDES DUMB?

Yes. They are.

32 - WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?

Laundry, Giles? How the mighty have fallen. We all know where the other sock winds up: alone. Sitting by itself, without a mate, destined to just be crumpled up and forgotten behind the dryer lint. Kind of like you.

33 - WHAT TIME IS IT?

It’s time for this dope I inhabit to get happy and let me drive. You know it’s going to happen eventually. It has to. Unless you want to do something about it. Wouldn’t you just love to see Angel turn into a puddle of dust? But then how would you justify that to poor little Buffy? Guess we’re both stuck dealing with the idiot.

34 - DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?

Aside from the Scourge of Europe and the One with the Angelic Face, not really.

35 - IS MCDONALDS DISGUSTING?

Call me nuts, but I like their coffee. Go ahead. Call me nuts. I dare you.

36 - WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR, AND WHO WERE YOU WITH?

That would be the Mustang in Baja with the souled one driving. I tried getting him to speed up just a little more, but he wouldn’t listen. He drives like my grandmother, and she was in a wagon pulled by a mule, so at least she had an excuse.

37 - DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?

Baths, but not necessarily ones filled with water.

38 - IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?

Sure. Annoying as hell with that stupid laugh, but he was tolerable most of the time. At least he knew how to throw a party.

39 - DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?

Generally speaking, I like to keep things away from my neck.

40 - ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?

Are you? You should be.

41 - WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?

This is what you really want to know, isn’t it? All vampires have an addiction, and I don’t mean the obvious here. There’s a drive we each have, and as soon as you figure it out, you can torture us, because that’s what we live for. For Dru, it was family. For Spike, it was love. For Darla, it was security. I loved playing with all of them. What’s mine, you ask? Uh-uh. Not telling.

42 - CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?

No human food.

43 - CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?

No, but I sometimes help others with that problem. Your girlfriend, for instance. What was that little Gypsy’s name again? Jenny? Yeah, that was it. Jenny. Her bones made such a sweet crack when I killed her. Oh, it was fast, Rupert. She didn’t really feel a thing. I’m sure that’s a great consolation to you. I’m only here to make you feel better.

44 - HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?

No, actually. Though I have to admit, I like the idea. Meals on Wheels.

45 - HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?

I’m a demon stuck inside somebody else’s body, and I’m not even in control of it. I don’t even have teeth.

46 - IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?

Considering drugs actually made me come back briefly, I think Angel ought to do them all he can.

47 - ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?

I’m always awake in here. I’m always waiting.

48 - WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?

Gold.

50 - DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?

Sure, I love being cooped up inside a guy who won’t have any fun and insists on playing Robin Hood if Robin Hood was a eunuch. That’s right, soulboy, I called you a eunuch, because you are. Eve does not count, and as for Nina, geez, did you have to picture Bush naked while you were in bed with her just to make sure you didn’t get to happy? That’s another reason I don’t sleep; can you imagine the nightmares?

51 - DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS OR PIERCING?

Griffin with an A on my shoulder. I’m sure Buffy told you all about it. I got that in celebration of my ten year anniversary with Darla. She wasn’t even sure it would work on a vampire, but it’s held up pretty well over the years. Why a griffin? I don’t remember. I was drunk at the time.

52 - ARE YOU PSYCHIC?

No.

53 - HAVE YOU READ ‘CATCHER IN THE RYE’?

No. For some reason, that one wasn’t on Angel’s reading list.

54 - DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?

I used to play the bodhran a bit back in the day. As any of my lady friends can tell you, I have an excellent sense of rhythm.

55 - HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?

Is there any other way to get it?

56 - CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?

No, and I don’t really have any interest in it. Careening down the side of a mountain on a piece of fiberglass? I’m homocidal, not gauche.

57 - DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?

No, I prefer to sleep indoors, preferrably in the lap of luxury, someplace with a canopied bed and room service. So nice of them to come right to the room like that.

58 - DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?

No. Huff a bit, perhaps. Snort, never.

59 - DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?

Darla and I had a son, for crying out loud. What am I supposed to believe in? By the way, how is Connor? Such a good son. Banged his dad’s girlfriend then tried to kill him. Chip off the old block. I kinda like the kid. Oh, wait, is Buffy going to see this? Did she not know Angel was lusting after Cordelia, the girl who pretty much thought she was pondscum? Whoops.

60 - ARE DOGS A MAN’S BEST FRIEND?

No, but they’re a great way to get people angry fast.

61 - YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?

I was raised Catholic. Of course not. I wouldn’t want to sully myself with a mortal sin now, would I? Wait, do they even still have mortal sins? All I know is there aren’t enough convents anymore.

62 - CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?

I’m going to hurt you, Giles.

63 - DO YOU MAKE MANY MISTAKES?

Well, eating the Gypsy wasn’t the brightest thing I ever did.

64 - IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?

There’s a blizzard going on outside. Fun to watch.

65 - WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

The last thing Angel ate was a mug of otter blood with a sprinkling of cinnamin. The last thing I ate was a co-ed from Sunnydale U just before the showdown with Acathla. I never did get a decent bite while the Beast was making it eternally night, which, by the way, was a really neat idea.

66 - DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?

I tried black polish once, but I felt like an idiot waving my hands around to get them to dry. I’ll leave the femme thing to Spike.

67 - HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KISSED?

Yes, I have, by more beauties than you could ever count.

68 - WHAT’S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?

The Red Cross. Stopping misery and sticking a symbol that burns me right in front of my face. It makes me sick.

69 - DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?

I don’t shop anywhere. Angel, on the other hand, has fairly decent fashion sense, though he’s too conservative. Leather will not make him go evil, but will he listen to me? Of course not.

70 - FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?

I prefer classical: Beethoven, a little Rachmaninoff, some Mozart. Riverdance isn’t bad.

Well, Rupert, I’ve really had fun filling out this little form for you. I hope I’ve been an asset to the Watchers Council, and that Buffy and that sweet little Dawn and all those young, nubile Slayers you’re training will learn a great deal from it. I intend to make their acquaintance very soon. See you around, Rupert. Oh, and number 43? I lied. She suffered a lot.